“It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.”  – Grantland Rice

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At some point, we’ve all been locked in a heated discussion as we fight to prove our point. But while winning an argument may provide a rush of satisfaction, it can have long-term negative impacts on relationships and team dynamics. This blog explores why the desire to be right happens, its impacts, and actionable steps to foster healthier communication.

The Science Behind the Desire to Be Right

When you’re in a stressful disagreement, your brain enters survival mode. The stress hormone Cortisol floods your brain which impairs functions like empathy and strategic thinking. As a result, one of four responses is triggered:

Fight: Arguing to defend your stance.
Flight: Yielding to group consensus.
Freeze: Disengaging entirely.
Appease: Agreeing – to diffuse tension.

While all these responses can harm collaboration, the “fight” response can be especially damaging. Winning an argument releases dopamine and adrenaline, creating a rush—an addictive feeling that can continue the fight behavior.

The Ripple Effect of Always Being Right

Leaders who thrive on being right often unintentionally suppress others. While they may feel empowered, their colleagues experience reduced confidence and collaboration. They often default to flight, freeze, or appease modes, leading to disengagement and reduced productivity. Ultimately, this reduces trust and prevents teams from reaching their full potential.

Breaking the Cycle

Fortunately, there’s an alternative to the adrenaline-fueled “win.” Oxytocin, which is known as the bonding hormone, promotes trust, empathy, and connection. By fostering oxytocin-producing behaviors, leaders can create an environment that encourages collaboration and positive dialogue.

Practical Steps to Overcoming the Desire to Be Right

1. Set Rules of Engagement

Before entering potentially tense discussions, establish clear rules of engagement. Collaboratively decide on behaviors that will ensure a respectful and inclusive conversation, such as:

● Giving everyone time to express their ideas without interruptions.
● Committing to listening without judgment.

After the meeting, reflect on how well the team followed these rules and discuss improvements for future interactions.

2. Listen With Empathy

In one-on-one conversations, prioritize listening over speaking. Actively seek to understand the perspectives and emotions of others. This practice not only builds empathy but also encourages mutual respect and fosters trust.

3. Plan Who Speaks

In group discussions, prevent dominant voices from overshadowing others by pre-planning participation. Identify key contributors and their areas of expertise beforehand. Use this as a guide to ensure that everyone can share their ideas, promoting a balanced conversation.

4. The Benefits of Connection Over Conflict

Even the strongest “fighters” can break their addiction to being right by adopting oxytocin-inducing behaviors. When leaders prioritize connection, they open the door to better collaboration, innovative problem-solving, and stronger relationships.

Conclusion

True leadership isn’t about always being right—it’s about creating an environment where everyone feels heard and valued. By shifting focus from dominance to connection, leaders can build teams that thrive on trust and mutual respect.

Breaking the habit of needing to be right isn’t easy, but the rewards of fostering healthier communication are substantial. So, the next time you find yourself in a heated debate, pause, connect, and aim to win something far greater than the argument: trust and collaboration.

 

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